Impact Wrestling Reactions: It’s Lame! It’s Damn Lame!

Last night’s Impact was…well…not good.  Like, at all.  Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan formed a new coalition of suck.  Immortal backed down from Simon Diamond.  Jeff Jarrett hosted one of the worst in-ring segments in recent memory.  Scott Steiner was in the main event, damn it.  If you’re a TNA fan, and you were trying to convince a WWE purist that Impact isn’t that bad, this would not be the show you used as evidence.  Because it was that bad.  But hey – the Knockouts are hot.  More after the jump. 

• This week’s Impact Wrestling opened with an in-ring promo from Immortal.  Just like last week.  Just like countless other weeks.  I love the character Bully Ray has crafted for himself, and I think that his ever-improving mic work is some of the best in the industry today.  That being said, it would be cool to open a show with wrestling every once in a while.  At any rate, Ray announced a fatal four way between himself, Gunner, Steiner, and Crimson for later in the show, putting Immortal at the clear advantage.  He then went on to address Mr. Anderson, offering a dubious olive branch to the Wisconsin native.  When Anderson refused to accept the peace agreement, the two came to blows, and soon all of Immortal was pummeling Mr. Anderson.  The beatdown continued until D-Lo Brown, Al Snow, and Simon Diamond made the save.  Afterwards, a bloody Anderson was carted into an ambulance, resisting all the way. Well, his stay in Immortal was certainly short-lived.  I’m glad he’s out, he’s better than that, but I’m confused as to why he was aligned with them to begin with.

• Mickie James became the #1 contender to the Knockouts Title with a big win over Madison Rayne.  The match climaxed with Mickie hitting a DDT after taunting Madison by wearing her tiara and mimicking her.  I love the knockouts.  There’s really not much else to say about this one.

• The Brian Kendrick debuted some new music and ring gear in his match with Robbie E.  I’m not crazy about his new gear, which looks like that of a combatant in Street Fighter, and I actively dislike the music change.  I was a big fan of his old theme, and I don’t like how inviting this new one is to him dancing down the ramp.  Anyway, Kendrick was victorious over the Shore’s finest after Cookie accidentally sprayed her man in the face with hairspray, allowing Kendrick to connect with the Sliced Bread.  After the match, there was a shouting match between Robbie and Cookie, leading to the two going their separate ways.  I like both of them (especially Becky Bayless…mmm), but the gimmick is a little ridiculous, so hopefully their split will allow them both to find new roles within the company.

• Bobby Roode picked up seven points in the Bound for Glory series after nailing The Pope with a Fisherman’s Suplex in a match that pitted Beer Money against The Pope & Devon against AJ Styles & Rob Van Dam.  The match was really entertaining, albeit a cluster spotfest.  Devon accidentally hit the Pope with a shoulder block from the ropes, so it looks like that awful feud is going to continue.  Roode is now second on the Bound for Glory leaderboard, and I think I’m pulling for him to win it all.  I definitely don’t want to see Crimson or Gunner take the crown, and I feel like it would be wasted on a vet like RVD or Steiner.

• Kurt Angle cut what might have been the worst promo of his career.  He said that he did what he did at Hardcore Justice because of some news he received from an informant that said Dixie Carter knew about Jeff & Karen’s relationship all along.  Right.  How does this even make sense?  He closed by ripping off Jericho’s line, saying that Carter would “never, eeever, get her company back, again.”  After he finished his incoherent ramblings, Angle was backing up the ramp, where he was met by a baseball bat wielding Sting.  Sting batted the chair Angle was carrying out of his hands and looked poised to reap some justice on the Olympic gold medalist, but he was attacked from behind by Hulk Hogan.  Hogan was revealed to be Angle’s informant, and it looks like Angle is a full-fledged heel, aligned with Hogan, which I guess makes him a member of Immortal?  Either way…SO. DUMB.  Also, this might have been the first time I’ve ever seen Sting wear blue jeans.

• I think the only way to keep me interested in Impact after that Kurt Angle garbage would probably be to parade Miss Tessmacher out to the ring in all of her glory.  Impact Wrestling knows me too well, because that’s exactly what they did.  She was introduced as Brooke Tessmacher, so I guess the “Miss” is being phased out.  Whatever.  Just keep looking like you do and I’ll refer to you as whatever they tell me to.  Tessmacher & Tara defeated ODB & Jacki in a match that was used to demonstrate how the heels had “reformed.”  They kept each other from resorting to dirty tactics, and they even shook hands with the winning team following the contest.  But all you really need to know is…Brooke Tessmacher.

• A ton of X Division guys were called into a meeting with Eric Bischoff in his office.  Bischoff scolded Abyss for not being able to retain the X Division Title, and then announced to the room that the division was going to be showcased prominently from now on.  There would also be a 220 lb weight limit established.  So remember a few weeks ago when Impact hosted a series of matches to determine who would qualify for a match at Destination X, and the winner of that match would earn a contract?  Well, it didn’t matter, because everybody’s got a contract now.  After Bischoff’s announcement, he asked Austin Aries to hang back to talk business with him, so Aries in Immortal seems like a logical deduction.

• Jeff & Karen Angle cut a promo about Jarrett’s recent title win in Mexico, and it was too dumb for me to write about.  Seriously.  The picture you see below should pretty much sum up why you shouldn’t care about it.

• Eric Young’s TV Title reign needs to stop.  A vignette hyping him facing Scott Baio was shown, and like the Jarrett promo that preceded it, it was pretty awful.

• Mr. Anderson was shown emerging from the trainer’s trailer backstage, still bloody from earlier.  He entered Immortal’s trailer to confront Bully Ray, but was attacked from behind by Gunner before he could strike his target.  As the camera panned away, Immortal dismantled Anderson, presumably whipping him with chains.

• In the main event, Crimson defeated Gunner, Bully Ray, and Scott Steiner in a fatal four way match to earn seven points in the BFG series when he scored a rollup on Gunner.  The match itself was about what you’d expect it to be, considering it featured both Steiner and Crimson.  The real story transpired after the closing bell, when Kurt Angle hit the ring and attacked Crimson, locking him in an ankle lock in the ropes.  While I’d like to think this was an injury write-off for Crimson, it was realistically more likely the seeds being planted for an Angle vs Crimson feud, lending credence to the belief that Crimson will win this whole tournament.  Boooo.

So, yeah.  Hopefully next week is better.