Impact Wrestling Reactions: Why So Serious?

This picture of Miss Tessmacher dressed in a Wonder Woman inspired get-up has absolutely nothing to do with last night’s Impact, but it’s miles more interesting / entertaining / fun to look at than anything that was featured on the show, so it’s how we’re opening today’s updates.  For those wondering, this picture comes from the 15th Annual Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant held last Sunday in Miami, Florida.  Tessmacher, who represented a Hooters in Kirby, Texas, didn’t finish in the top ten.  Mind-numbing.  Meanwhile, I guess I’ll be booking a trip to Kirby in the coming days.

As for this week’s Impact Wrestling, it wasn’t so pretty.  Scott Steiner was in the main event, Jeff Jarrett vowed to return, and Rob Terry is back.  Ew.  Sting continued his descent into strangeness, and Gunner’s music kept on playing.  On a brighter note, Destination X’s X Division showcase is shaping up nicely.  Read all about it – the good, the bad, and the Tessmacher – just after the jump. 

• This week’s Impact Wrestling opened with Hulk Hogan calling out TNA Champion Mr. Anderson, who responded to the Hulkster’s request in seconds flat. Despite Hogan’s best efforts to convince Anderson that it would be beneficial for him to join Immortal, the Champ arrogantly insisted that he didn’t need the help of Hogan and his cronies. The war of words between Anderson & Hulk didn’t last long before Sting joined the party, appearing behind Hogan when the arena lights dimmed and taking the Immortal leader out with his signature baseball bat. Anderson fled up the ramp, leaving Sting to dismantle Hogan in the ring. After a few shots with the bat, Sting jammed handfuls of vitamins down the Hulkster’s throat, a nod to his old catchphrase. The Stinger proceeded to wrap his old nemesis up in the Scorpion Death Lock before Immortal made the save and set up a Steiner vs Sting match for the show’s main event. So, Sting’s character is spiraling out of control. Sometimes he’s entertaining, but most of the time he’s downright goofy. Last night, his face paint was in the style of Heath Ledger’s Joker, while his mannerisms are reminiscent of Jim Carey’s Riddler. He’s entering into some odd territory, to say the least. Meanwhile, it appears as though Steiner is now an official member of Immortal, despite never clearly accepting the invitation.

• In a Bound for Glory series match, Devon gained seven points with a pinfall victory over Samoa Joe. I was shocked to see Devon nab the win here, and not in a good way. Not only is Samoa Joe a World Title caliber star that has jobbed a lot recently, but Devon is a mid-carder at best. I’m surprised Bully Ray has been as good as he has since the breakup of Team 3D, but the same cannot be said for Devon. He’ll forever carry the stigma of being one half of the Dudley Boys, as far as I’m concerned, and as a result, I’m not to interested in seeing him pushed as a singles wrestler.

• After Devon picked up the win, The Pope was shown backstage celebrating with Devon’s sons. I can safely say that I have a negative interest in this feud. If the angle is contained to short segments like this and it serves only to add some interest to the inevitable meeting between Pope & Devon in the Bound for Glory series, I’m all right with that. I really don’t want to see a long, poorly executed feud play out between these guys though. Meanwhile, after his loss, Joe encountered Kazarian backstage and a shouting match ensued. I was so excited to see Joe vs Styles vs Daniels at Destination X, and now that it’s not going to happen, I begrudge Joe’s feud with Kazarian for getting in the way. Not a fan of this one at all.

• At Destination X, four men will compete for an Impact Wrestling contract. Over the past two weeks, Austin Aries and Shiima Xion have already qualified for the event, and last night they were joined by Low Ki. The World Warrior advanced to the pay-per-view with a triple threat win over Matt Bently and Jimmy Yang in what was a pretty good match, as you’d expect. I’m still pulling for Austin Aries in the upcoming fatal four way match, but Low Ki is certainly a nice addition.

• Joe killed Kazarian in a quick barroom brawl. Niiiiiice.

• Hulk Hogan cut a promo while taping his fists backstage, and it sure sounded like one that he’d cut if he intended to get back in the ring. Inside, I wept at the prospect. Please, Hulk, please…do not lace up those boots.

• With Angelina no longer zombified, yet still aligned with Winter, I guess it’s safe to say that the mind control angle has been simply dropped rather than resolved. So much for that. The pair teamed up with Madison Rayne last night to take on Mickie James, Miss Tessmacher, and Tara in an elimination match. Before getting into the meat of the contest, let me just say that Tara’s character is just plain awful. Riding a motorcycle to the ring, dressing “urban,” and dancing before you hit a moonsault are not traits that are going to make anybody a star. At any rate, Tessmacher was the first knockout eliminated, being forced out of the match at the hands of Winter. It looked like Winter was going to score her second consecutive elimination when she took out Tara, but Madison Rayne threw her partner from the ring and stole the pinfall. With the odds stacked 3-to-1 against Mickie James, the heels should have had it easy, but Angelina & Winter didn’t take kindly to the actions of Madison, allowing Mickie to hit a jumping DDT on her and score the elimination. Winter & Love looked to have the match won after double teaming the Knockouts Champion, but after a dispute over who would make the pin, Mickie James was able to capitalize and eliminate Angelina from the match. Once it became a one-on-one contest between Mickie & Winter, it didn’t take James long to nail another DDT and secure the win. The match was all right, and the dynamic that existed between Madison and her former partner Angelina was interesting. I’m curious to see if the Queen Bee becomes involved in the strange relationship that already exists between Angelina Love & Winter. I was also happy to see Mickie James fight her way back to victory after being placed at such a disadvantage – it’s nice to see a Champion look strong every once in a while.

• AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels are two of the best in-ring talents on the Impact Wrestling roster. That being said, they’re not going to win any awards for their mic work. Their match at Destination X became official with a contract signing last night, and the fact that they’re best friends is really being stressed, which may be an omen that a heel turn is on its way. Once the contract was signed, Jerry Lynn approached the ring to discuss the importance of the X Division, and was cut off by Rob Van Dam shortly after. Van Dam cut an arrogant promo that had some very heel undertones, which I can definitely dig. RVD can play the villain exceptionally well and he hasn’t been asked to do so in over a decade. I’d love to see him return to his bad guy roots. Before the segment ended, a four corners match was made for next week that will feature RVD vs Lynn vs Styles vs Daniels.  If that doesn’t excite you, I don’t know what you’re doing reading a wrestling blog.

• The Gunner Tour of Inexplicable Domination continued last night as he steamrolled through AJ Styles in a Bound for Glory series matchup, bringing his point total up to 21 and placing him atop the leaderboard. This one came about after Gunner attacked Styles at the end of the preceding segment and climaxed when he used Earl Hebner as a shield, creating an opening that led to an F5 and the pin. I hate seeing AJ job, and I hate watching Gunner continue to win matches against all of TNA’s top players with no story propelling him. I wonder if Gunner will even find his way onto the Destination X card, given that he lacks anything resembling a feud.

• Mexican America cut a pretty awful promo in which they had basically nothing to say. They were interrupted by The British Invasion, who have apparently turned face, and were challenged to a match at next week’s Impact to determine the #1 contenders to the Tag Team Titles. The heated words resulted in a brawl in which Mexican America garnered the clear upper hand. Luckily for the British Invasion, Rob Terry was in the Impact Zone to make the save. Oh, joy. I’m sure Rob Terry still sucks.

• We get a clip of Jeff & Karen Jarrett in Mexico, and they make a reference to their impending return. UGH.

• Sting defeated Scott Steiner in the main event after nailing him with the Scorpion Death Drop in what was likely a rematch from a 1998 episode of Nitro. Post-match, Bully Ray hit the ring and got Sting’s attention, allowing Mr. Anderson to run-in and hit the Stinger with a Mic Check. With Sting down, Ray called for Hogan, who promptly made his way to the ring to exact some revenge for Sting’s actions earlier in the evening. Much to Hogan’s dismay, he was stopped by Kurt Angle before he could really even begin his assault. Angle chased off Immortal as Impact closed with Hogan looking concerned on the ramp. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Angle became the #1 contender to the World Title with his win over Jeff Jarrett at Slammiversary, right? It strikes me as odd that this hasn’t been mentioned since, and I’m not sure if the TNA creative team has reneged on the stipulation or if they’ve just done an exceptionally bad job of keeping the fans up to speed.

Overall, I was none too pleased with last night’s Impact.  Destination X already has some matches I’m looking forward to (C’mon, Spanky!), but the World Title picture is kind of convoluted and it’s looking more and more like a Hulk Hogan ring return is inevitable.  I’ve had about all I can stand of Gunner’s win streak.  And I don’t care how it ends up, I’ll go on record right now as saying that the Bound for Glory series is a disaster.  But hey – Styles vs Daniels vs Lynn vs Van Dam next week.  That’s promising.