CM Punk is the best person in the world.

And the rest of Raw, after the jump. 

• Last night’s special Raw Roulette edition of Monday Night Raw opened with the show’s host, Shawn Michaels, cutting an in-ring promo.  After thanking the fans for their support throughout the years (and shamelessly plugging his new TV series), the Showstopper was interrupted by the #1 contender to the WWE Championship, CM Punk, along with David Otunga, & Michael McGillicutty.  The Straightedge Superstar reminded the crowd that he’ll be leaving in three weeks, and that he’ll be doing so as Champion.  It didn’t take long for things to get heated between he and The Heartbreak Kid when the latter took exception to Punk comparing the two of them.  Punk accurately pointed out that at one time, Shawn was better than him, but today, nobody can compare.  After Punk made a knock about the party life Shawn used to live, HBK fired a Sweet Chin Music into the jaw of David Otunga.  Punk, ever brazen, told Shawn that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.  Before he could react further, the anonymous Raw GM chimed in and placed Punk in tonight’s opening contest, one that would be determined by the Raw Roulette wheel.  McGillicutty caught some Chin Music and joined his tag team partner on the mat before Shawn departed.  The phrase “Punk continues to impress” is part of my Raw Roundup every week, and this week is no different.  Punk came off better in the segment than Shawn did, something that doesn’t often happen with guys opposing HBK on the mic.  If Punk does indeed leave the company this summer, my interest in the WWE product will take a massive hit.  If the second Summer of Punk begins, however, I might just need to change my pants.

• Booker T spun the Raw Roulette wheel to determine Punk’s match, and it landed on a question mark, meaning he’d face a mystery opponent.  Conveniently, Kane was standing right next to the wheel, as he was announced as Punk’s opposition.  We’ve had one spin of the wheel, and it’s already evident that this gimmick is as legitimate as last week’s Power to the People voting, which is to say it’s as bogus as bogus gets.  At any rate, Kane won the match via countout when CM Punk left the ring and retreated to the backstage area. As he made his exit, he told the crowd that he didn’t care, citing “what are they going to do, fire me?”  Obviously, it’s never fun to watch Punk lose, but at least his loss served the purpose of showing how little he cares about anything that isn’t leaving the company as Champion.

• In a match that was supposed to happen last week, Sin Cara was victorious over Evan Bourne.  These two blew the roof off the building; the match was just as good in execution as it looked on paper.  The roulette wheel determined that it would be a no countout match, although the stipulation didn’t really come into play during the bout.  Surprisingly, the crowd seemed to be firmly behind Evan Bourne in this one, as numerous people shouting in his favor could be heard as the match progressed.  There were also “power ranger” and “USA” chants, which seems to indicate some displeasure with Sin Cara from the live audience.  Since I was of the belief that both of these guys were pretty over, this came as a bit of a shock to me.  Either way, their match was absolutely fantastic, and if you missed Raw last night, I highly recommend catching a replay of this one wherever you can find it.

• A graphic was shown announcing the participants for this year’s Raw Money in the Bank match.  The eight men vying for the briefcase will be The Miz, Alex Riley, Alberto Del Rio, Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and R-Truth.  I’m a little disappointed that we won’t have any qualifying matches, but the lineup is pretty all right.  I’d rather have one cross-branded Money in the Bank match than two brand-specific ones, but alas, it is not to be.  I expect Del Rio to win this one and cash in his title shot at SummerSlam, announcing his intentions weeks ahead of time (ala Rob Van Dam), although I certainly am not confident enough in that forecast to argue with you if you believe otherwise.

• Kofi Kingston’s match with Dolph Ziggler was determined to be a “player’s choice” match, which meant Kofi got to choose the stipulation.  Kingston chose for Vickie Guerrero to be banned from ringside, so this is our second match that is a mulligan for last week’s technical voting difficulties.  With Vickie removed from the equation, Kofi Kingston was able to best the United States Champion in a non-title match after hitting the Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere while the momentum seemed to be behind Ziggler.  It looks like Kingston is poised to challenge for the title again, possibly as early as next week, which would mean five matches between these two in as many weeks.  I expect someone else to move into a feud with Ziggler in time for Money in the Bank though, as Kingston is in the MitB ladder match while Ziggler is currently without an opponent.

• A flirty Maryse spun the wheel for Alberto Del Rio to decide the stipulation for his meeting with The Big Show, with a steel cage match being the result.  The match was barely underway when Mark Henry made his way to ringside and made his presence felt.  The World’s Strongest Man ripped the door off of the cage, slid it into the ring, and attacked the Big Show.  The assault allowed Del Rio to crawl out of the cage, reach the floor, and be declared the winner of the match.  Inside the ring, Henry’s onslaught against the Big Show continued.  The attack culminated with Henry sandwiching Show between the displaced door and the wall of the cage, the impact of which was so great that the wall collapsed.  The wall, and the Big Show, tumbled to the floor while Mark Henry barked at the crowd and officials.  The WWE is pushing Henry’s intimidating monster character hard ever since he was drafted to Smackdown, and they’re doing a pretty fine job of it.  Henry has come off as legitimately scary a few times now, and for the first time in a long time, he’s involved in a feud that I can actually fathom him winning.  He’s still Mark Henry, though, and I’ll never take him seriously as a main eventer.

• Kelly Kelly defended the Divas Title against Nikki Bella in a…submission match?!  So says the wheel.  The match lasted approximately two moves: an armbar by Nikki and a Boston Crab from Kelly Kelly, the latter of which induced a submission, allowing Kelly to retain her title.  After the match, the Bellas attacked Kelly until Eve made the save.  It’s going to be Brie vs Kelly with the belt on the line at Money in the Bank.  I’ve been watching more Shimmer than usual lately, and it really makes me hate the WWE’s women’s division.  It’s so, so, so bad.  I hate hearing about how hard Kelly Kelly worked to become a legitimate wrestler after being hired as a fitness model – she still wrestles like a fitness model.  There are no divas in the WWE today, save for Beth Phoenix and Kharma, whose departure would lessen the quality of the division at all.  Pathetic.

• After spinning the wheel to determine the stipulation for Rey Mysterio’s match, Booker T was joined backstage by none other than Diamond Dallas Page to promote the Best of Nitro DVD set.  After exchanging some pleasantries, the pair was interrupted by Drew McIntyre, who criticized the “relics” for taking up his TV time.  When McIntyre turned to leave, he was the victim of a Sweet Chin Music from an approaching Shawn Michaels.  Shawn told the WCW alumni that he had never seen a Nitro because he was always working that night.  As someone who preferred WCW to WWE during the Monday Night Wars, I was pretty excited to see DDP on last night’s show.  I’m almost always critical of the use of older guys (I tend to agree with McIntyre), but I wouldn’t mind seeing more of Page in the coming weeks.  Of course, there’s nothing to indicate that we will.  Kind of weird for WWE to bury both their new DVD set and a young star in one segment.  It may have been intentional with McIntyre, but I have to believe their knock on the 3-disc product was inadvertent.

• The roulette wheel determined a match pitting Rey Mysterio & Alex Riley against Jack Swagger & The Miz to be a Tornado match.  Pretty fortunate that the only tag team match on the show happened to wind up with the only tag match stipulation on the wheel, am I right?  Yeah, this seems legitimate.  The match was surprisingly entertaining.  I’m not a fan of thrown-together teams like these, but these guys did a really good job.  There was a cool spot where Swagger dropped Rey out of a Gorilla Press position into a gutbuster over The Miz’s knee.  Not that there’s a future for them as a team, but for what it’s worth, there was some good chemistry between Miz & Swagger.  My only complaint about this match was the obnoxious number of times one of the heels fell into position to take the 619 – it seems so contrived anytime anyone ends up waiting there for the move, but it’s especially bothersome when it happens upwards of five times in one match.  This is just a nitpick though, like I said, the match was pretty good.  Rey picked up the win for his team after hitting Miz with his dead fish splash.

• Booker T was pretty entertaining throughout the night as the wheel keeper.  I don’t enjoy his commentary, and until he won the King of the Ring I was never a huge fan of his during his active career, but he forced a smile across my face a few times during this week’s Raw.  Well done, Book.

• R-Truth’s bout  with John Cena was dictated by the wheel to be a tables match, which Truth seemed to like the idea of.  Truth wore a modified sleeveless straightjacket to the ring, in case we forget that he’s “insane” I guess.  Cena had the match won when he set up a table and prepared to deliver an Attitude Adjustment on Truth though it, but CM Punk prevented the match from ending by pulling the table out of the way.  Punk’s interference was enough to turn the tables, so to speak, and ultimately allowed Truth to spear Cena through a table to win the bout.  With Cena downed in the ring, CM Punk called for a microphone and went on to deliver one of the best promos I’ve ever seen while seated at the top of the ramp.

• Honestly, I don’t even know how to broach this subject.  CM Punk’s promo last night was a beautiful sunset.  It was the Mona Lisa.  It was the unspeakable perfection of Yahweh.  It was Miss Tessmacher’s booty.  There are no words that I can say to do it justice.  I could tell you it was the best promo I’ve ever seen.  I could tell you that it bent the line between reality and fiction, that it blurred shoot and work together so masterfully, that it topped anything Brian Pillman ever did.  I could tell you that CM Punk, wrestling’s best talker, delivered a promo twice as good as any he’s ever spoken before.  But no matter what I tell you, I’d be selling it short.  There are no words to describe Punk’s glorious show-closing speech.  I’m sure by now, you’ve all seen it.  I’ll be running it on this blog in its entirety a little later today, accompanied by a healthy dose of other Punk propaganda, in case you haven’t.  The shout-out to Colt & ROH, the mention of New Japan, the Paul Heyman reference…calling Triple H a doofus, The Rock an ass kisser, and speculating that the WWE might be better if Vince were dead…CM Punk gave a game-changing performance last night.  The mic was cut and the show abruptly ended, as this is being treated as a shoot.  This kind of hyperbole might be a little premature because of my current excitement, but this may have been the most important promo in wrestling since Bash at the Beach 1996.  If CM Punk led a laughable career, he’d belong in the Hall of Fame for last night alone.

All in all, Raw was…you know what…it doesn’t matter.  CM Punk’s promo could have been slapped onto the ending of a two-hour Matt Hardy match, and I would have walked away as a fan of the show.  The man is a wrestling deity.  More on his show-stealing performance to come as the day progresses.